Is it an emotion? An experience? It’s hard to put your finger on since we can’t have one without the other. Most of us have felt loved or lived through experiences fueled by our definition of love. But what exactly makes love, love?

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Many are not knowledgeable of its components, resulting in failures when trying to recreate it when we want it the most. We try to build these relationships that, on paper, look amazing, but in reality lack the sparks of passion, the decisiveness of commitment, and the vulnerability of intimacy. These, as Robert Sternberg put it, are the essential ingredients of his Triangular Theory of Love.

Passion

It’s the reason you can’t keep the girl you met at the library off your mind. The reason you get irritated when your boyfriend doesn’t text you back as soon as your message gets delivered. 

Passion is the driving force of the intense emotions you feel for your significant other. Happy every time they grab your hand, feeling elated after hours on the phone getting to know one another. Passion comes at the beginning because of the novelty that accompanies new beginnings of a relationship.

“Passion is the driving force of the intense emotions you feel for your significant other.”

Usually it comes first because of the physical attraction and infatuation we have for the new people in our lives and the ideas of what they could be in our lives, but as these feelings normalise the passion can only be sustained by the emotional vulnerability that comes with intimacy.

Intimacy

A feeling of closeness, near-oneness with your partner. Intimacy is the result of regular self-disclosure of both parties' inner thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams. Intimacy is brought about by mutual vulnerability and exchange of past experiences. Through this act we gain VIP entry into the mind and past of our partners, allowing us to be better connected with them. 

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“Intimacy is brought about by mutual vulnerability and exchange of past experiences”

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Intimacy makes it easier to mould the relationship into a machine that caters for each other's faults. It teaches us how to treat and support our partner by gaining an understanding of what made them that way in the first place. Intimacy allows both parties to invest bits of themselves into building a shared identity that becomes the bedrock of the relationship.

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Commitment 

This is a choice you make to not only stay within the agreed parameters of the relationship but also make an effort to play your part in its growth and development. The conscious effort to maintain the relationship, care and support each other is the regular, everyday decision necessary to ensure its longevity. 

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“Commitment is the conscious effort to maintain the relationship, care and support each other is the regular, everyday decision necessary to ensure its longevity.” 

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Commitment shows you want the relationship to work. Acknowledging to yourself that this person brings a lot of value to your life and expressing that through affirmation and action reassures your person that they, and the relationship, are an essential part of your life.

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It sounds so simple, yet one or two of these three components are often lacking when it comes to many of our relationships. We meet dozens of people all the time, some of which we actually like, but we stop from letting the relationship grow because we prioritise getting into their pants before getting into their hearts. We let lust lead the way whilst never making room for trust and companionship to blossom, and before we know it they are just another fading image in our rear view because we couldn’t get out of our way and do things right. 

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Other times we get to know them really well. Learning how they hate the rain because their childhood home had a terrible roof that soaked everything when it used to pour, or how they love blueberries because they think it makes them smarter. The little things that make all the difference. However, more often than not we aren’t willing to make sacrifices to make it work. 

Sometimes we can’t bear to let go of the other romantic interests in our lives. Other times work and social life just mean way more than the possibility of something special with this particular person.

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But what about when you don’t want to make excuses? When you really want things to work?

How do you, 

Up The Passion?

Romance Them - Send her some flowers. Rub his back after a long day at the office. Plan a day trip for a hike or sign up for a couples cooking class. Try to find something that is just for two, and get lost in each other whilst you are doing it. Do the things that remind you of why you fell for them in the first place, or even just create an environment where they might surprise you with even more reasons for you to love them. 

Up The Intimacy?

Give and Take - You have to be the sharing kind of person to your partner in order to get your person to do the same for you. You have to lead by example. Pave the way so they feel comfortable walking with you as you journey through one another's inner worlds. People want to share themselves with you, but you have to make them feel safe enough to be vulnerable. That means no judgement. No funny comments. No trivialising of their experiences. Even if you don’t necessarily agree or understand their opinions or experiences, you still need to offer up your unbiased ears and take what they offer up with open arms.

Side note:

Some people opt to cut straight to the point when they want to know more about their person, but some people don’t always respond well to “Tell me about a time when…” type of questions. Instead let them open up on their own when they feel the time is right.

Up The Commitment?

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Mutual Investment - We stay in relationships the more we feel we have invested in them. You want to build a stronger foundation for your next relationship? How about putting off Netflix and Chill for a while and instead opt to play supporting roles in each other's development. For instance, say they are taking extra classes to become a woodworker, perhaps try find quick quizzes they could  take in order to help them grasp the information better, or doing a deep dive into the particular job market they are trying to get hired in and using any information learnt to help tighten up their resume. 

Love is not something that just happens to work out on its own. You need to grip it with both hands, caress it with one hand whilst nursing its growth with the other. Figuring out your person’s passion points, intimate details and commitment levels all require daily patience, an ability to empathise and a willingness to work on things even when the moment looks bleak. 

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If you want to enjoy people only in the good times then go ahead and pack your bags when the going gets tough. But if you want great relationships then you need to settle in for the long-haul and trust your efforts are enough to bring out something beautiful from conquered hardships.